Comet my sons hamster died last night. It was very sad. This was a champion hamster in the hamster derby... we all loved ham-ham. Towards the end of his life I felt very strongly that I was supposed to go and hold him. His little body was so cold and he was struggling to breathe...maybe it brought back for me the images I can't ever erase of my mother struggling to breathe at the end of her life, I thought I would hold him close to my heart and just warm him up, and help him not to be alone. He was so sweet, just the most precious baby...I held him close until he curled into his little familiar ball and drew his last breath and his body was released. I told him, "No more bars now Comet, Your'e free". Every death is like that , death brings freedom and release. I rememer when I realized how close Comet was to death and that he would not be walking around his cage anymore and I literally removed the bars of his cage as a visual reminder of the freedom he was gaining. It's difficult to view death as freedom.

Death is difficult for the ones left behind. We feel the vacant hole in our heart that the other person (or in this case hamster) held. Even something so small and insignificant as a hamster leaves a unique imprint on your heart that even death cannot remove.

In my journey of hamster hospice, I have walked alongside three hamsters now as they have made the final transition in their lives. I can honestly say I agonized over each one personally. I think if one small hamster is so unique how much more so is a human. No one person is totally forgotten. We are all intricately weaved into this giant tapestry and even one broken thread affects all the others. No one is insignificant ever. We all count. Even my mother. In her brokeness and imperfections she still counted and leaves an irreplaceable void. She had so many days of being difficult and hard to deal with as she processed grief. But that's not what I remember today. Today I remember when she was heavy and hated herself How much I loved hugging her arms. I loved her arms! Or I remember being little and thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world...I only ever wish she could have for five seconds seen herself through my eyes. Because I loved her not based on what she did, but who she was. My mother. My only mother I will every have! I always only ever wanted the best for her. IT's hard to embrace a sad Christmas. Like you would embrace a great festive one. And even harder to not call the season bad because it doesn't feel good. It feels sad. It's easy to be grateful when everything is good.

Thank God for God. TO anyone with a heart my mother mattered. She wasn't mentally ill she was emotionally ill. But to anyone who believes every life counts she matters. Her life mattered. Her spot not forgotten. Her life touched my heart.

COmets life touched my heart. You do not forget what you have invested your heart into loving. Love does not require perfection in order for love to exist. It reminds me of one of my dogs Schotzi her hair was falling out , she smelled horrid, and she bit ankles...Noah still misses that dog. He loved her and she bit his ankles the most out of everyone in our family. It's easy to love those things that are easy for us. A little more challenging for the "ankle biters"...and yet that is what we are called to do ...to love.
Its a matter of the heart. Dealing with the people at the hospital has been hard for me because the heart isn't involved on their side. My mothers life is calculated in importance according to dollars. Kennewick General Hospital wants to maintain their innocence and focus on the almighty safe keeping and gaurding of the buck, in the process exchanging protecting their patients for money and a fake reputation. Their hearts are in the wrong place. They protect their right to do whats wrong. Their reputations are built on lies and cover ups. And the preservation of their image. (one that isn't even good to begin with by the way) And don't forget DENIAL. Even when they are wrong they don't stand up and accept responsibility. Hospitals like this inevitably damage not just the person they treat medically and have wronged...in their behavior on May 9th 2008 by covering their mishap and permanently silencing my mother, they damaged three other people. My brother, sister and myself and all of the grandchildren my mother left behind as well as our spouses. Not to mention countless other staff members who were "briefed" on what to say and how to say it in order to keep their jobs.

Hospitals now maim and wound much more often than they heal. Merry Christmas? Yet how can they fully enjoy their christmas? It robs every area of their lives, their eyes are just closed to it. The doctors, the damage control specialists, the records alterers...
Integrity, honor and honesty do not exist. Pray for them this holiday season. To me its no different than being a whore. When you will do anything for money and disregard honesty and honor and integrity to get it you have become a whore. A whore to the dollar bill and a slave to the system. You live in bars much more confining than poor Comet. I personally would lose my job long before I would agree to take part in a job that covers the truth.
It's wrong, they have become numb in the spirit. Where is the joy in stuff at Christmas? Vacationing in the Bahamas, driving a BMW where is the joy when the cost to your heart is so huge?

I'll say it again the healthcare system needs reform but it needs to start at the ground level...with the doctors and the hospitals....No amount of revamping the system will every matter unless honesty and trust and truth are put back into an area where it has long been forgotten...